Insanity

I wish everything actually went alright sometimes. I know that everything can never ever really go the way it’s supposed to, no matter how much you plan it or want it that way, but still, some cosmic justice would be nice. Like if you invest yourself in something for almost two years, you should get some kind of positive reward in return, as apposed to confusion, heartbreak and disappointment. What positive thing may you ask? Oh, maybe like, I dunno, commitment, devotion, willingness to be there for you when it matters, just basic simple stuff like that. I have never felt I have asked for too much from someone, never asked for more than someone could ever give to me. Putting the other person first in a relationship shouldn’t be an occasional luxury, it should be almost a constant. Risks and accomplishments shouldn’t be measured by how likely they are to succeed, but by how much you want to try for them, how much desire you have to make the outcome happen in your favor. Obviously sometimes, the fates just don’t want to work out in your favor, and no matter how many different ways you approach something, it just doesn’t quite totally work out the way you want it to. I understand that, more than people seem to think. It just hard for me to give someone credit when they don’t see one thing better than another, when I’m not better than other things in their life, and when they can do something about something that they want, they don’t even try because they think that they will fail, or it’s too hard. If you try and fail, I’m going to give you more credit than if you don’t try at all. I think anyone would.

I wonder sometimes though, is love really enough to get people through a relationships demands and ups and downs? I used to think so, but now I’m not sure. A lot of things have to line up in a lot of moments. I’m at the age where I can be looking for someone to marry and be with. I’m almost 21, the same age as my mom when she got married. I can marry someone right now, I mean, I probably wouldn’t, but still, it’s a weird possibility. I am looking for someone, I want to find someone who is there for me 100% and is going to stick it all out with me and support me and be like, if you need me there, I am there.

Stephen wants to work things out. He says, I’ll do anything for you, anything you want, when we get back to Bellingham. And that sounds all nice and fine, but why wait? Why not start now? Isn’t our relationship important now? As opposed to when we go back to Bellingham? I can’t even think of what I want him to do when we would get back, besides follow the list and whatnot. But really. Him coming back home with me to visit, even for a few days, was the most important thing in the world to me. And he refused to do it. And now he’s basically telling me that me wanting him there so I don’t have to be alone is a stupid reason, and I should just suck it up and deal with it. But being with someone, having them there because they make everything better for you, isn’t that one of the biggest and best reasons of all to want them to be there with you? That is not an outrageous demand. The thing is, I could suck it up and deal with it, but he has the power, it is in his power, his control, he is able to make the situation different, he can be the cause and the reason why I don’t have to suck it up. He can do something about it, he can chose to get in the car with me and drive back with me, and fulfill the thing that I asked him for. Or now, he could get on a plane and fly here and he can do something about me wanting him to be here so I’m not alone or without him and he can visit me like I really wanted him to. People may think it’s not that big of a deal, that oh he couldn’t visit. But it’s not really that, it’s that he didn’t want to visit. And that one just kills me, even after I told him how important it was that he was here with me, visiting and keeping me company, and how I was willing to compromise how long he would stay, and then he still said I don’t want to, because it wouldn’t be right. It’s my turn to tell him to suck it up and deal with it, because I need him there, it was important to me, and he had every opportunity to be completely and totally unselfish, but he didn’t do it. Because he didn’t want to, and then he said his parents made plans and things for him to do. What if he didn’t want any of those things? What if he had other plans, like coming home with me? Then what. He can’t just be like, no this is something I want to do… I just don’t understand. Doesn’t he want to make me happy in any way he can? Doesn’t he want to do what he can, even if it is above and beyond? He has the power and the opportunity to make it happen, but he wont. That says everything to me.

Don't Ever Look Back

Take my hand

Take the leap

Take the fall

If we get there at all

Take my heart

Take my mind

I’m ready to go

Even if we have to crawl

Take the chance

Live the dream

Fly with me

Or fall

Either way if we miss the train

With our backs against the wall

I’ll have you

And you’ll have me

Even if it’s not what we wanted at all

Take a risk with me

Your chances are the same as mine

Maybe together we can make it

Through the steady curves and the inclines

I wanna feel the ups

I wanna hate the downs

I want it in my body

The sweet taste of failure

I want to drown in the potential

Of everything being ripped apart

In one moment of despair

Wishing for a head start

I want a warning in your eyes

Of a day that will not come

I want an apology

For all the wrongs you’ve done

But even if I can’t have that

You can still take my hand

And we wont ever look back

Even after the glass runs out of sand

Teenage Dream

Why does love hurt so much? I mean seriously? It’s just too cruel for words. You just give and give and give until you can’t give anymore, and then in the end you find out that they didn’t even want you anyway.

Is this what I can just expect from now on? Should I even try anymore? Maybe I expect too much. Maybe it’s too much to ask to want someone who will care for me and be there for me and think that I’m the best thing in the world that has ever happened to them, someone to share all of my adventures with. I want someone to think I am the most important person in the world. I deserve nothing less than that, at least that’s what they tell me. They tell me I need to have someone who is madly, head over heels totally absolutely crazy about me and will do everything for me. I know it’s a lot to live up to, but supposedly it’s out there, people find it quite often. Or at least often enough to write songs and poems about and make movies about it and write books on how to accomplish it faster if you aren’t patient. I want one boy, one steady boy, one boy to be with forever and ever. One boy, that’s the way it should be…right? (points to you if you got the ‘Bye Bye Birdie’ reference)

Ugh, stupid Disney movies raising my expectations, not to mention boy band songs and Han Solo. All those things ruined it for me. I never stood a chance. Disney movies telling me to dream, boy bands telling me that they’ll always love me, and Han Solo for being so God damn perfect and badass.

I’m starting to think that boys don’t get it. Everything that you do, and don’t do, gets analyzed. To no end, and no effect or notice I’m sure. We know there is no point, since you guys do pretty much whatever you want anyway. Whatever you say gets interpreted, and whatever you don’t say we assume you don’t feel. Guys assume their thoughts and emotions get projected out of their minds and we pick up on it. But that’s not true. We are sadly not mind readers.

You know what I just read that made me feel like shit? This Cracked article. Not only after a few years of dating can it feel like you are being split in half and getting divorced, but you can also die of a broken heart. Ugh. I’m already prone to panic attacks, so this is just perfect.

I think what pisses me off the most is people when you ask how you know it’s true love, and their response is You just know. That’s bullshit. All those people who get divorced? They obviously knew right? And I thought I knew, I thought I knew every single god damn time, and for the most part I did, except the two, and those two suck. How are you supposed to accept it when you are so sure about it that you were wrong? I was so sure, so god damn sure, I still am sure. I think it’s all a lie, I don’t think anyone knows anything. They just tell everyone a lie of how they just knew, and everyone else goes on just knowing and no one really knows what true love is and what you do to get it and how to maintain it. Marriage used to be for wealth and status and negotiations and treaties…there was no love involved. It was a form of trade and property exchange, since women were property. How are we supposed to take love and force into that type of equation? Now that there are 6 billion people in the world, how are you supposed to find the One? There are probably a million of them, but what if you find that one in a million, the one who makes you feel the way no one else can. What if you want that one person? You don’t want anyone else? Not any other one of those million other people who you could probably do fine with and tolerate and reproduce a few good kids with…you want them. Does that make a difference to anyone anymore? Love is a choice. A choice that you make. You either go for it, or you don’t. You question yourself and your value, and boom, you are done. The moment you hesitate, it’s all gone. If you want to be the one for someone, then you can be, simple as that. Everyone wants to be unconditionally loved, be put first, be important, be needed by someone. Basic human needs. It’s whether you want to make the choice and put in the effort to be that someone’s somebody.

Why can’t I have that? Why do I have to keep trying and failing and wishing I could just have it? It takes work and dedication, why can’t someone match that intensity with me? Why can’t someone just be my puzzle piece? Where is my teenage dream? Why do I have to wake up every single time?

The Way Things Truly Go

After finding the perfect moment

To reach for a simple hand

To extend the fingers for your promise

Into a lovers land

When you love so hard it hurts

And expect nothing in return

You are forever happy from commitment

But that kind of love can also burn

A love let passion run wild

With sparks flying all above

And simple eyes beguile

But everyone knows what happens when you try to love

Through a heart it pierces

Just like a greedy bite

Because more than you can chew

Always seems so right

It never helps anything

When you get way too close

So when you love just remember this

The way it truly goes

The people waiting for the plane

Never miss their flight

And people walking down the steps

Continue into the night

The ones who throw people out

Always sleep alone

And the ones who leave into the rain

Never come back home

Those who try to make them see the light

Are always left in the dark

And the ones who love the fiercest

Always die of the broken hearts

Those who wait, walk and wonder

Are still there to this day

No one ever comes to save them

Before they go away

There are no last minutes

No sudden jolts of thought

No helpful strangers around

Giving free advice that should be bought

There is me standing here

Swallowing fear that stings so slow

But me walking out that door

That’s not the way things truly go

The Soccer Debate

Now that the world cup has progressed passed the group stages, the recent games have more of an impact and each second is important, each play and each touch on the ball can change the outcome of the game. A few calls that were made or not made have recently sparked controversy as far as officiating strategy and the use of technology in this sport. As people have readily pointed out, it would be very easy and cheap to place computer chips in the cleats of players and the ball to keep track of them and see things like when someone goes off sides or when the ball crosses the goal line, etc. A lot of avid soccer fans, including myself, feel that this would ruin the game of soccer because it takes away the human element, and although I admit human error is something inescapable, the human element is what makes sport, well sport.

My boyfriend doesn’t understand this argument, he thinks that all sports should try and make things equal and fair. My boyfriend is a very decent and very intelligent human being, but he was unfortunately not blessed with what one would call athletic ability. He has not played a sport consistently for his life the way that I have played soccer for almost 15 years of my life. I am in love with sports, baseball, basketball, soccer, volleyball, you name it. And I know this debate of technology is brought up in all sports, especially baseball lately as well. Although giving both teams a fair advantage and making them uphold to the same standards is important, I feel that both teams are already presented with these standards. The point of the human ref is his own standards. Playing soccer my whole life, I have encountered many refs, all with their own style and limits. Some refs call every touch and don’t allow any aggressive play, others are probably much too lenient. My point with this is that the players have to push the limits to see what the ref will call. There is a certain point that the aggression will go to, which is what makes the game interesting. There is a certain level that each game can be at, a potential level that can be different each game, which is what makes each game unique and exciting. If we had technology involved, it would bring that level down significantly lower. I feel that the motivation for players to push those boundaries would be lowered and by proxy, the games excitement would also be lowered. I know that not everyone cares about soccer in the US, and those who do not play soccer find the sport boring. I think that you have to play soccer or for whatever reason be intimately attuned to the strategy and feel to understand why this is important. It’s easy if you don’t play to think that having technology as an assistant would be beneficial. But again, the pace of the game would totally be changed. The thing about soccer is that the best team doesn’t always win, even if they may have the advantage of talent, speed or strategy formation, because there are those lucky breaks that the underdog gets, whether it’s behind the refs back or not, that are the equalizer. It happens in all sports, like baseball. The ump asks if you tag the person, or slid in safe, you say “yes”. If people have problems with the consistency or ruling of the refs, then they shouldn’t be changing the rules to match the refs, they should be training better refs.

That brings up the other issue. Refs are all different, and whether this is good or not is debatable. However, since it is the world cup and there is a lot at stake, I feel the refs should be impeccably trained and know the rules of the game in and out and have lots of experience. They should also know what off-sides is. I know there has been a lot of grief because of the inconsistency of the refs calling off sides. There are other ways than technology to combat this, such as adding more refs that are well trained and well versed in the definition that is off sides. Or linesmen who stand in the corners of the field, much like volleyball, who can also tell if the ball goes over the lines or not. Human error in sports in inevitable, from refs and players alike. There are two sides to every call or not call. One team may think something is unfair when it is totally legal, another team could be at the disadvantage of a good call, or obviously a team can be disadvantaged from a bad call. My point is the refs at such a high level should be held to the same standard, a high knowledge of the game and rules and be fair and consistent in their calls and decisions.

A good case in point is the Mexico/Argentina game. That ref made a good call on that offsides, whether he knew it or not. It actually wasn’t offsides, because the Mexican defenders followed the ball as the player passed it to the guy that was in fact offsides, but since they stayed with the ball and kept running with it, they made it a tougher call for the ref. If they would have stayed, he totally would have been glaringly offsides. The player isn’t offsides until the play is directed at him and the team is given an unfair advantage. The Argentinean forward technically wasn’t offsides until the player decided to kick it back to him, and at that point, the Mexican defenders decided to guard him, and reached his side as the ball did, and passed him…therefore, not offside. If you don’t believe me, just check out the clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MevANY8DrGs you can clearly see that once he becomes involved in the play, the defender is beside him. My point from that is that Mexico obviously thought they were given the disadvantage, when it was actually a good call. But of course, they will never admit that. It’s like all the players who are theatrical and take falls, when they are obviously not hurt to that extent at all. It draws the call in a way that may not be fair, but everyone does it. Who’s to say that one of those calls isn’t fair? It could give an advantage to a team that didn’t deserve it as well. It’s just something that you have to deal with, in all sports. Human error is present, but so is human nature. The competitive nature that makes a team want to win, blatantly cheating or not. It’s something that you wont ever be able to control in sports, ever.

So when someone starts to break out the point of technology or complaining about the refs, that is just bullshit. The players are worse than the refs in most cases, their bad nature in some cases outshining the refs honest mistake. The technology if added would be a killer to the game atmosphere. Sports like baseball and soccer have survived this long without instant replays, and people still keep coming back through the years. I’m sure they can survive without technology, and keep tradition going.

Conversation with my lover

Slipping softly through my life

I close my eyes

Hoping after a few seconds pass me by

That maybe time could just fly by me

Being scared has its benefits

Almost as good as the benefits with you

We are friends who are lovers

But not lovers who are friends

And I just wanted to see the truth in the end

So maybe the other guys can understand

That there is no one else out there for me

Making everyone understand

Is too much work for me

I say let them think what they want

As they read their magazines

It’s all about trouble

And when you get what you want

It’s easy to stand clear

Over analyzing is what I do best

And hearing what I want to hear

So tell me the words

Give them to me good

Oh how I like your lies

Staring each other down across the table

I can see through your perfect disguise

Give me one good reason

Why I shouldn’t walk away

You can’t offer me anything

That I couldn’t get myself anyway

You don’t offer me anything better

Than what I’m about to begin

Nothing holding me back besides myself

And thinking you are the one

You are so good at breaking promises

I wonder if you have practiced before

The way that you seem to come out on top

Even when I don’t want to hurt anymore

You kiss me up and down

Run your tongue across my skin

But even in the way that you look at me

I know that we both know what it is we are in

It is all a shade of grey

One that we fit into so nicely

And we pretend it’s all a rainbow in the sky

But really the clock keeps time ticking by

I wish I couldn’t see so clear

I wish I never knew

I wish for a lot of things baby

That will never come true

If there was anything for me to say

I would say it here

If there was anything for me to feel

But I don’t know what to do

Because I don’t know which part of us is real

Lover we look at the world together

And we see two very different things

You see snake eyes waiting in the grass

And I see everything that doesn’t make sense

If only everything were as simple

As you and I can be

And yet as I know the simple-ness will end someday

I keep holding onto the thought of being complicated with you

Shark in the water

I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. About where it's going, what I'm doing with it now, and wondering if it is all worth it. I wonder how I'm supposed to ever be the person I am destined to become, I wonder who that person is, and how far I am from it. I wonder how this process can even apply to me, because I don't really feel like I am becoming anything...I'm not sure who the real me is or what I'm supposed to be. I know that I am in a point in my life where I can choose exactly who I want to be, I have a new chance to develop myself and my dreams and an opportunity to accomplish all of my goals...but I wonder if I am taking advantage of this opportunity in the right way. When I came to Western, I barely had anyone around me that I knew, it was a very fresh start, but I wonder if I've really done it right. There are so many other things that I realize I want to do, like travel and see the world, and get married and have someone there to support me and just be there for me. I wonder if the roads I have been traveling down are the right ones, and I wonder if they aren't, if it's too late to change my path. I know my path is what defines me, but I also feel my pace on that path and what I look for when I am on it are just as important. I wonder if my goals are all just goals that I want to accomplish myself, or goals that people have told me I need to accomplish. I wonder if I will ever find someone who wants what I want, who matches me and my thoughts, my other half who wants to do everything with me. I wonder if there is someone who understands me, who can help me realize my true desires and drive me to go do them. I wonder if any of my goals, mine or not, will get accomplished. Life in general just seems like such a short time to not do what I want, but then again it feels like such a long time before I can start doing things I want, and I feel that is because society has pressured me and told me what is proper and what is not appropriate for me to do weather I want to or not. I just don't feel like anyone fully understands what I am up against, and how badly and passionately I want certain things. I've thought about all of this for a long time, some of it since I was 9 or 10. I know what I want, but no one else seems to take me seriously, like they don't actually care about what I want. I'm just hoping that I'm not alone in this idea of being stuck in a rut that you don't feel you can get out of, not because it's hard, but you don't think it's time.