Insanity

I wish everything actually went alright sometimes. I know that everything can never ever really go the way it’s supposed to, no matter how much you plan it or want it that way, but still, some cosmic justice would be nice. Like if you invest yourself in something for almost two years, you should get some kind of positive reward in return, as apposed to confusion, heartbreak and disappointment. What positive thing may you ask? Oh, maybe like, I dunno, commitment, devotion, willingness to be there for you when it matters, just basic simple stuff like that. I have never felt I have asked for too much from someone, never asked for more than someone could ever give to me. Putting the other person first in a relationship shouldn’t be an occasional luxury, it should be almost a constant. Risks and accomplishments shouldn’t be measured by how likely they are to succeed, but by how much you want to try for them, how much desire you have to make the outcome happen in your favor. Obviously sometimes, the fates just don’t want to work out in your favor, and no matter how many different ways you approach something, it just doesn’t quite totally work out the way you want it to. I understand that, more than people seem to think. It just hard for me to give someone credit when they don’t see one thing better than another, when I’m not better than other things in their life, and when they can do something about something that they want, they don’t even try because they think that they will fail, or it’s too hard. If you try and fail, I’m going to give you more credit than if you don’t try at all. I think anyone would.

I wonder sometimes though, is love really enough to get people through a relationships demands and ups and downs? I used to think so, but now I’m not sure. A lot of things have to line up in a lot of moments. I’m at the age where I can be looking for someone to marry and be with. I’m almost 21, the same age as my mom when she got married. I can marry someone right now, I mean, I probably wouldn’t, but still, it’s a weird possibility. I am looking for someone, I want to find someone who is there for me 100% and is going to stick it all out with me and support me and be like, if you need me there, I am there.

Stephen wants to work things out. He says, I’ll do anything for you, anything you want, when we get back to Bellingham. And that sounds all nice and fine, but why wait? Why not start now? Isn’t our relationship important now? As opposed to when we go back to Bellingham? I can’t even think of what I want him to do when we would get back, besides follow the list and whatnot. But really. Him coming back home with me to visit, even for a few days, was the most important thing in the world to me. And he refused to do it. And now he’s basically telling me that me wanting him there so I don’t have to be alone is a stupid reason, and I should just suck it up and deal with it. But being with someone, having them there because they make everything better for you, isn’t that one of the biggest and best reasons of all to want them to be there with you? That is not an outrageous demand. The thing is, I could suck it up and deal with it, but he has the power, it is in his power, his control, he is able to make the situation different, he can be the cause and the reason why I don’t have to suck it up. He can do something about it, he can chose to get in the car with me and drive back with me, and fulfill the thing that I asked him for. Or now, he could get on a plane and fly here and he can do something about me wanting him to be here so I’m not alone or without him and he can visit me like I really wanted him to. People may think it’s not that big of a deal, that oh he couldn’t visit. But it’s not really that, it’s that he didn’t want to visit. And that one just kills me, even after I told him how important it was that he was here with me, visiting and keeping me company, and how I was willing to compromise how long he would stay, and then he still said I don’t want to, because it wouldn’t be right. It’s my turn to tell him to suck it up and deal with it, because I need him there, it was important to me, and he had every opportunity to be completely and totally unselfish, but he didn’t do it. Because he didn’t want to, and then he said his parents made plans and things for him to do. What if he didn’t want any of those things? What if he had other plans, like coming home with me? Then what. He can’t just be like, no this is something I want to do… I just don’t understand. Doesn’t he want to make me happy in any way he can? Doesn’t he want to do what he can, even if it is above and beyond? He has the power and the opportunity to make it happen, but he wont. That says everything to me.